I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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