Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
