Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Randomize