Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
