I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
