These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
