Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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