i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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