she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
