I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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