I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
