y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
