wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
