yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
