you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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