Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
