sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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