the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
