I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
