I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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