Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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