Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize