How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
