i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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