i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
