so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
