She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
