Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize