I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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