I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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