Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
