My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
