Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
