I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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