I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize