dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
