I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
