he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
