no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
