I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
