i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
