Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
