He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Randomize
