If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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