Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
you will always have a special place in my vag
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
