i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
