I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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