Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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