we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Text me some of your sweat
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
