During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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