Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
