I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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