I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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