shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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