Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
