I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
