Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If that was your dad, he is hot
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
