Will you blow on my dice?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
