new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
