You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i was born a porn star she said
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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